Confronting and Transforming one's lower nature
Posted on Mar 24th, 2008
by 
M. Alan
M. Alan
As the weeks stretch on, and my arm slowly mends (although so slowly that it is hard to notice it day to day, which can be frustrating!), I am being forced to confront various aspects of my nature that I was not aware of, as well as weaknesses that I am. This morning when I was meditating, the most extraordinary uprush of negativity flooded over me. Despair, rage, doubt, all a big mass, you wouldn't believe it! I tried offering it to the Supreme, but even that was difficult (had difficulty getting centered). So I just held the thoughts "this is not me" and "I am the witness". After a while it went and was replaced by joy. The transition was quite quick, and amazing, with a mild undercurrent of feeling spiritually "high".
Not every meditation is that striking in the flip from negative to positive, but I was really impressed by the experience.
Thus my accident of 1 1/2 months ago, and enforced and self-chosen solitude and inactivity is enabling me to understand various aspects of my being, and work on transforming them. This process seems to be accelerating, or at least becoming more marked, i.e. in the weeks immediately after the accident there wasn't that much change in my inner being.
One interesting change that has occured over the past few days or week or so is that I notice I am now no longer interested in regrets over past mistakes, or fantasies over future adventures, or longings for possible parallel realities where everything is better. Reality contracts to the point in which "I am", the Present Moment, which is the only authentic Reality.
I won't say that I am a saint or wonderful, beause there are also many periods of despair and frustration and impatience (the latter especially has to be worked on), but now I am more committed (I am forced by circumstances to be more comitted) then I ever have been in my life.
I changed my profile page to reflect this, adding something on the "new me" to distinguish me from the "old me". What isn't described is the difference in attitude in that the old me was full of fantasising, mentral distraction, lack of centeredness, etc. So although I still agree with everything I said under the "old me", all that intellectualising is less important to me now then it was then. This intellectual internet phase was something i had to go through, including my long (2 years) dialogue with the integral movement, but now I am much more enthusiastic about attaining a state of greater Consciousness
Not every meditation is that striking in the flip from negative to positive, but I was really impressed by the experience.
Thus my accident of 1 1/2 months ago, and enforced and self-chosen solitude and inactivity is enabling me to understand various aspects of my being, and work on transforming them. This process seems to be accelerating, or at least becoming more marked, i.e. in the weeks immediately after the accident there wasn't that much change in my inner being.
One interesting change that has occured over the past few days or week or so is that I notice I am now no longer interested in regrets over past mistakes, or fantasies over future adventures, or longings for possible parallel realities where everything is better. Reality contracts to the point in which "I am", the Present Moment, which is the only authentic Reality.
I won't say that I am a saint or wonderful, beause there are also many periods of despair and frustration and impatience (the latter especially has to be worked on), but now I am more committed (I am forced by circumstances to be more comitted) then I ever have been in my life.
I changed my profile page to reflect this, adding something on the "new me" to distinguish me from the "old me". What isn't described is the difference in attitude in that the old me was full of fantasising, mentral distraction, lack of centeredness, etc. So although I still agree with everything I said under the "old me", all that intellectualising is less important to me now then it was then. This intellectual internet phase was something i had to go through, including my long (2 years) dialogue with the integral movement, but now I am much more enthusiastic about attaining a state of greater Consciousness
Access: PublicTagged with: healing, meditation, self-transformation, lower nature, present moment, Consciousness, profile
consciousness
April 2008
Two things:
1. Maybe it wasn't an accident after all… (cliche, I know)
2. I never did know what you saw in those integral people. But it is disappointing because I see the whole movement as such a waste of potential.
i do see potential in the Integral Movement; a lot of sincerity, and a desire to see the big picture and transform the world. But their problem is first a lack of gnosis, and often (although not always) they are too tied to Wilberism which makes it just another dogma. I see the Integral Movement as one aspect of the global change, the New Age movemnt is another, the environment movment another, and so on. My real intrerest was (and still is although i no longer care for debates and arguments) whether I could contribute in bringing about a greater Aurobindonian input, after all, Sri Aurobindo was the original “integral philosopher”
Hi Alan,
The witnessing exercise is a very good one! In some situations bhakti-oriented offering would just overwhelm me with powerful energies that I had no control over – detaching and being the witness seems to calm everything down in those situations, just realizing that you aren't limited by the temporal pain and confusions.
I completely concur with the changes you've made to your profile … I'm sort of going through something similar myself. My cog psych program is turning out to be too mental – almost soul-crushingly mental for me. It's reminding me a little of my childhood of poring over religious law texts. Back then, I thought, how could a study of spirit be so spiritless? And now I'm thinking, how can a study of the soul be so soulless?
I'll just go reply to your e-mail now.
It's good to be hearing from you again!