An unexpected accident threw all my well planned plans into chaos

Had an accident on my pushbike 3 weeks ago (actually shortly before my 50th birthday, rather unexpected birthday present!). Had a heavy unbalanced rucksack, was going downhill, pulled out my mobile phone, went off balance and came off my bike, breaking my arm near the shoulder. So i couldn't use my right arm, and the pain when i moved it was excruciating for a few days. They put it in a sling but not a caste because i have to have the mobility of the shoulder joint so it will heal properly.  Anyway it's a lot better now but my arm will still be out of commission for another month or so.  This is the first time i've been on line since the accident.  i deliberately stayed away from the internet because i just wanted to be in the moment, not get caught up in head trips etc.  For the first week or so i just stayed at home because it was too painful to move much (because if my arm moved it was very painful), couldn't sleep properly, etc.  Now that it's mending there's much less pain and i can lie down whereas before i could only sleep sitting up.  It's amazing how the human body can heal itself.  And it's given me a new level of empathy that i never had before.  e.g. i was reading extracts of U.S. Republican canditate John McCain's book Faith of our Fathers  and how he was captured by the Vietnamese when his plane was shot down, and when he spoke about what he went through i could have some idea (although his suffering w as far far worse mine because he had more injuries and was in a  filthy shack and not given proper medical treatment).  So i thought wow, what this guy went through...Maybe i have a totally different ideology and politics and all the rest, but i could empathise in a way that would have been impossible before.  It's the same elsewhere where people go through great suffering.  Because you don't really realise what pain is unless you've experienced it, that is the only way one can empathise.  Likewise grief and loss; you can't know what others feel if you haven't yoursef felt it as well. 

Then you consider the animal kingdom and all the rest; there is so much pain and grief and suffering on this one small planet; it must be because, as The Mother says, it is a special place where things are concentrated for the purpose of Transformation

One effect of the accident has been to disrupt my previous tenious attempts at meditation.  At first I had to take painkillers and that really stuffed my concentration.  Then afterwards i couldn't focus even when i didnt take painkillers, because i wasn't getting enough sleep.  So i reverted back to the old distracted monkey mind, all i did was read newspapers, watch TV, sit around etc.  All of which only accentuated the boredom and frustration.   Anyway the accident has forced me to sit around, with each day dragging on, and each week seeming like a month or even a year.  My only escape was when i would sometimes go for a walk (and even then not too far because my arm and shoulder would ache).  So  I'm only now getting back into meditation. 

All this seems to be part of an ongoing series of events for me that began in January, which are motivating me to really be serious about my sadhana.    So it's forced me to be contemplative, but in a non-meditative way; in the sense of being really hurled into a restrictive situation, being immersed in that, going throught it, living through that, in order to understand what others less fortunate than I have to go through

It goes without saying that I can't wait to be up and about again.  At present I can't write much because i still only have complete use of my left arm (i can use my right hand but not too much) , can't ride a bike, can't drive etc.  So i will truly value things, and also be much more motivated (ok i was motivated before but i'll be even more motivated)

As the weeks stretch on, and my arm slowly mends (although so slowly that it is hard to notice it day to day, which can be frustrating!), I am being forced to confront various aspects of my nature that I was not aware of, as well as weaknesses that I am.  This morning when I was meditating, the most extraordinary uprush of negativity flooded over me.  Despair, rage, doubt, all a big mass, you wouldn't believe it!  I tried offering it to the Supreme, but even that was difficult (had difficulty getting centered).  So I just held the thoughts "this is not me" and "I am the witness".  After a while it went and was replaced by joy.  The transition was quite quick, and amazing, with a mild undercurrent of feeling spiritually "high". 

Not every meditation is that striking in the flip from negative to positive, but I was really impressed by the experience.

Thus my accident of 1 1/2 months ago, and enforced and self-chosen solitude and inactivity is enabling me to understand various aspects of my being, and work on transforming them.  This process seems to be accelerating, or at least becoming more marked, i.e. in the weeks immediately after the accident there wasn't that much change in my inner being.

One interesting change that has occured over the past few days or week or so is that I notice I am now no longer interested in regrets over past mistakes, or fantasies over future adventures, or longings for possible parallel realities where everything is better.  Reality contracts to the point in which "I am", the Present Moment, which is the only authentic Reality.

I won't say that I am a saint or wonderful, beause there are also many periods of despair and frustration and impatience (the latter especially has to be worked on), but now I am more committed (I am forced by circumstances to be more comitted) then I ever have been in my life. 

I changed my profile page to reflect this, adding something on the "new me" to distinguish me from the "old me".  What isn't described is the difference in attitude in that the old me was full of fantasising, mentral distraction, lack of centeredness, etc.  So although I still agree with everything I said under the "old me", all that intellectualising is less important to me now then it was then.  This intellectual internet phase was something i had to go through, including my long (2 years) dialogue with the integral movement, but now I am much more enthusiastic about attaining a state of greater Consciousness